Tender Mercies. :)

I'm going to be super real right now. I have debated whether to share this experience because it was so humbling for me. I have had postpartum depression after all three of my boys were born and it makes life feel so hard. There have been times in the last few months that I have felt like being a mom was impossible, it was too hard, I felt hopeless and overwhelmed and I would just sob with all the guilty weight on my shoulders. I wondered how I could keep going.

Jeremy works 10 hour days four days a week, and three of those days he also has bishopric responsibilities, then meetings Sunday morning and meetings Sunday evening. There was a Tuesday a few weeks ago, the boys and I had had a rough day...meaning that they were being wild and I yelled at them all day. :l Jeremy got home around 6 and had to be at meetings by 7, he also told me he would be there until late that night because one of the other brothers couldn't make it. He ate a quick dinner, changed his clothes and left by 6:55. Things went downhill from there. We have a very strict 8:00 PM bedtime routine, by 7 the boys should be in the shower and starting the routine. Well...Bridger was still eating dinner by 7:30, and while we waited for him I was trying to get Beckham to help clean up the living room and he just wouldn't, I got so, so, so frustrated and impatient. By the time we got to showers I was emotionally exhausted, my sanity had been siphoned away and they continued to push every single one of my buttons. I got Beckham showered, and asked Bridger to get in...but he couldn't because he was freaking out about getting his bandaid wet, I was so frustrated and told him he couldn't take a shower because he refused to get in with his bandaid and I left to get Beckham dressed while holding Benson in my arms. After he was dressed and eating a banana I could still hear Bridger crying in my bathroom, Benson was fussing and I just lost it and started bawling. I just cried and cried and Beckham looked at me like I was crazy while he ate his banana. I headed to my room for a moment but Bridger wouldn't leave, so I had to take him out of my room and I locked the door and just let it all out. So, Bridger was crying outside my bedroom door, Beckham is crying in his room and the baby is crying in my arms while I have an emotional breakdown. I felt like the worst failure of a Mom than I ever had in my life. I felt an overwhelming sense of self-loathing for how I had yelled at my kids, and my heart ached because I couldn't seem to be that happy Mom I envisioned myself being before I actually had kids. It was the depths of despair, I'm not sure how else to explain it, but it was awful. I just cried to my Heavenly Father, I wasn't even praying, but in that moment all I knew was that I needed Him. 

Not even three minutes later I heard the garage door opening and Jeremy pulled in, at first I wasn't sure what he was doing home, maybe he had forgotten something and I hoped he wouldn't see his disaster of a wife, but before he even opened the door I felt the most overwhelming sense of peace and love, like a literal spiritual hug and I just started crying even harder. It was like He was telling me, "I'm here," and I know that He was.

 Jeremy came upstairs and I knew I was going to have to unlock that door, he jiggled the knob and he just said slowly, "babe, unlock the door..." so I did. My sweet tender and caring husband. He didn't look at me like I was crazy, he didn't even have any accusation in his eyes, he just asked what was going on. I told him the basic version through more crying and he gave me a big, long hug, then he told me that the other guy showed up and the Bishop said he could go home, and that he also wanted him to take a few weeks off from his calling to make sure things were okay at home. I started bawling again. Tender mercy after tender mercy. I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father and my Savior know my heart, Heavenly Father knew that I couldn't handle anymore that night, that it's stressful to have busy callings and a very busy husband and three very small children. Most of all, it was like He was telling me that He is aware, He knows me and my imperfections, my trials, my struggles. He is there and He knows that I can do this mission of motherhood that I was sent here to do, and He loves me. 

Jeremy took off his suit coat, then took the boys and got them ready for bed and read them stories and cuddled them while I took a moment to cry some more, this time out of gratitude and amazement. Honestly, after that night things were much better, the next week I told Jeremy that I was okay and I wanted him to fulfill his calling and things have been much better. I really believe that sometimes Heavenly Father allows us to struggle so that we know how aware He is of us, so that we remember our Savior and how much he loves us and that we have to let him help us. 

Just this last Thursday, Jeremy and I had the opportunity to go up to girls camp for testimony meeting, they had invited the bishopric and their wives. Jeremy was supposed to fly out of Vegas at 1 PM the next day, but I felt like we really needed to go. We had an amazing time, and I bore my testimony for the first time in years about this experience. This experience has been a reminder to me to look for Heavenly Father and the Savior in my life, these tender mercies are my own personal miracles. They are there to help us, sometimes we just have to be willing to look into the details of our lives to see their presence and love. 

We ended up leaving testimony meeting at about 11 PM and picked our boys up from my sister's apartment, we didn't get to Hurricane until almost 4 AM, but both of us agreed that it was worth it and that we were supposed to go to testimony meeting. I am so grateful for that experience now. Heavenly Father loves each one of us more completely and perfectly than we can even imagine. Believe it, it's true. :)