January
Bridger: “If I had a meter that showed how much I love you, it would go to the top. Actually, it would burst the top and keep going up because I love you so much.”
Beckham: “Me too!”
*I was laying down on our bed nursing Roslyn, and Benson comes in and lays down with his stuffed animal and pretends to nurse*
Benson: “I have a feeder thing on my belly for my baby to drink milk.”
Bridger: “Can I go play outside??!
Me: “No.”
Bridger: “That’s Rude. It’s not very nice to just say no like that. How would YOU feel if I said no to you like that?”
LOLOLOL.
*One of Benson’s prayers, he had gotten a “gem” at church earlier that day*
Benson: “Heavenly Father, thank you my gem. Jesus gave me my gem, I’m gonna snuggle Him. Name of Jesus Christ Amen.”
*Benson was running and got hurt*
Me: *give him a hug* “You have to slow down, honey.”
Benson: *Crying* “I can’t!”
Me: “But you have to.”
Benson: *still crying* “I don’t have any slow down powers!”
LOLOLOL
*Benson wanted to go to PE class with Bridger and Beckham*
Me: “You’re not big enough, honey.”
Benson: “Yes I am. If Beckham looks down, he’s bigger than me!”
LOLOLOL.
February
Benson: “I’ll fart in the bath. I’ll fart. I’ll fart in the bath and make bubbles.”
THIS KID! LOLOLOLOL. He’s so logical and matter of fact about everything.
Benson to Jeremy: “Don’t fart. I don’t like you to.” LOLOLOL.
Bridger: *holds up a bread tag that has a long piece of paper attached to it* “Hey, look! I found a new species of bread tag!” LOLOLOL. That bread tag collection is still going strong.
*Right after we ate lunch*
Benson: “My tummy is getting bigger!”
Me: “Oh?”
Benson: “Like yours!”
Beckham: “Valentine’s Day is all about chocolate!”
*We sit down at our bench for Sacrament meeting*
Benson: “Can I play a God game?”
LOL. (He wanted to play a church game on Daddy’s phone, it was a sweet way to describe it)
*Benson held up two pull-ups and asked my opinion on which picture he should choose to wear tonight:*
Benson: "Lightning one or circle one?"
Me: "Umm, circle."
Benson: "No. I hate that one. I only like lightning."
LOLOL.
Benson: "My tummy's getting bigger!"
Me: "Oh?"
Benson: "Like yours!"
Awesome.
Benson: "I think baby's done with milking." (When Roz finished nursing, LOL)
March
Beckham: *holds up a rock* "Look, it's a crystal!"
Me: "You should put it in your rock collection."
Beckham: "We packed my rock collection. Actually, I have a rock collection in the van!! I'll put it there."
**It is a true fact that he has a rock collection in the van!**LOL
Beckham: "I'm sad I lost my front tooth. It doesn't feel normal." *he's looking sad* "It was my favorite one. It was so useful." LOLOL. I told him he would have a new adult tooth grown in soon.
April
Me: "Bridger, that is so kind of you to help!!"
Bridger: "The Spirit told me to help fill up everybody's water cups. So I was like, FINE."
LOLOL.
October
Benson: "Showers make us grow downer and we grow up with no showers, so can I please have no more showers??" LOL.
*The fire alarms got set off early in the morning and startled everyone awake*
Me: "Beckham, look at your hair!! (One side was sticking straight out and it was sticking straight up on top)
Beckham: *completely serious* "Maybe it's because I was startled by the fire alarm." LOL
November
Ander had grabbed the rest of the broccoli sticks off the counter as we headed to bed. I was cuddling him until he finished and scrolling through some funny Pinterest memes on my Sister Humor board while he watched, Ander was just eating broccoli sticks and fake laughing with me. LOL.
Beckham: "I was quiet as a duck that can't even quack!" LOL. When he went upstairs during nap time to get something.
Benson: "When I'm 13 I'm gonna learn how to wipe my butt, k?" lolol.
December
We were driving home after picking up one of the kids from karate. Benson: "When you drive like that my eyes get SO big!" (28 MPH) LOLOL.
Anderson always yells "Faster! Faster!" When we drive anywhere, LOL.
*Benson and I were cuddling before bed*
Benson: "Choose a story. Hearts, Matt the Rat, trash can, or star."
Me: "Star."
Benson: "That one's locked."
Me: "Okay...trash can."
Benson: "That one's locked."
Me: "Hearts?"
Benson: "That one's locked."
Me: "OK. How about Matt the Rat??"
Benson: "Okay." *Proceeds to tell me a Matt the Rat story* LOLOLOL.
*I loved the way he gave me just one option*
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There are a few entries from my personal journal I want to include with our family book, I feel prompted to do so. Some of them are partial entries, others are full. My actual journal has the full entries and others that I didn't include here.
January 2020
Yesterday Jeremy and I were both feeling melancholy about several different things, having to move soon, stresses with school, stresses with getting the paperwork signed to leave the Guard and go active duty, sadness about our kids growing up so fast. Basically, everything. We both started to feel better as we talked, having that connection. Toward the end of our conversation, the 1SGT texted a really nice message about how he understands our situation and our need to get the form signed to go active duty and he was completely nice about it. Jeremy and I just started crying, it was definitely an obvious tender mercy from the Lord, like he was showing us “I’ve got you, I’m here.” We felt the Spirit so strong and are so grateful.
Jeremy spoke in church today and did an excellent job, he sat with us until he needed to go up and speak. I was worried I would lose control of the kids, but Roslyn went to sleep at the beginning of Sacrament meeting and then during Jeremy’s talk the kids did start getting a little crazy, but we made it! People in the ward are so kind, too. President Chris Thompson has (I think) 8 kids of his own, and he came up after and said to not feel self-conscious about our kids behavior or noise in church, that if we had seen this ward fifteen years ago it would have been crazy, lol. It was really sweet. People in this ward are amazing, we’ll miss it, my heart aches knowing we are moving in a few weeks. But my “word of the year” is perspective, and it keeps popping gently into my mind to remind me to readjust my perspective when needed, which has been often. We are doing the Lord’s work, we are doing this for HIM, because we trust Him. We will miss living here in Utah, especially in Spanish Fork, we’ve already made many tender and sweet memories here with our family. We will miss the homeschool community, and how most of our neighbors are wonderful ward members, how our family members are close enough to visit often. Moving out of state we probably won’t have that, but as I readjusted my perspective I reminded myself that we will go where the Lord needs us and HE will be with us. Going this path will give us and our kids opportunities to learn and meet people we never would have, and able to spread the Gospel in a unique calling that not many have the opportunity to do. So, I’ll continue to pack up our home, and support Jeremy as he finishes these last couple months of school the best I can, trusting in the Lord to give us all the strength we need to do this work and be happy.
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March 2020
Today after church Mom suggested that we go visit Grandpa Lee after church, so before going home we stopped to see him. It’s been a long time since we’ve visited him, he’s now in a rest home, and could pass any minute. He tells Mom often that Rosemary has been visiting a lot lately (she passed in 2018), he got sealed to her this last year. One of the three ladies we named Roslyn after is Rosemary, and Grandpa Lee hadn’t met her yet, so it was really special to get to introduce them. Mom was speaking close to his ear because he can’t hear well, and he was laying down in bed, looking at Roslyn as I held her and as Mom told him that one of the people she is named after is Rosemary. He just looked at her with wonder and whispered “Rosemary.” He couldn’t stop looking at her, and she just kept smiling and blowing bubbles at him, so Mom took her on her lap next to Grandpa Lee and he held her hand and talked to her, it was the most life he’s shown in a really long time. It brought tears to my eyes. Jeremy had us say hi to Grandpa Lee for him, since he couldn’t be down here today. Grandpa Lee loved seeing the boys, as well, and kept saying they were all “good looking boys and she’s a beautiful girl.” It was so sweet. He wanted them to all get a mint candy (just like he’s always done since we’ve known him, lol). I’m so grateful we had the chance to go see him. I held his hand tight as we were leaving, I don’t think he could hear me, but I told him I’d missed him and we love him. He held my hand tight, too, and he said that he remembered from the beginning (of when they met us, Grandma Lee coming to school with me for grandparents day) and he remembered coming to my dance performances. I said I remember too, and smiled, said I loved him again, and then we left. He will probably pass soon, and we hope he does, he is ready and wanting to be with his family, but we will miss him and the special spirit he has always brought to the room whenever he’s there.
We hope we get an offer on the house in the next few days. It’s hard to sell it and move, but I just want to move forward so we don’t have to keep thinking about it. We have absolutely loved our neighborhood and ward in Spanish Fork, it feels like home. Which is saying a lot, and which makes it even harder to leave. It’s a place where, if we could, we would raise our family. But we just have to keep moving forward with faith, knowing that the Lord knows where we need to be and what we need to do and He will help us and we will be happy. Jeremy sent me a quote from Hank Smith, who was quoting his mother-in-law, he said she told him once that, “Sometimes you have to go out on the porch and tell the Lord you can’t keep going. And then you go back inside and keep going.” It’s so true, and so applicable right now.
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March 2020
Things have been so crazy, and with all of the stress and distraction on my part the boys have been having a hard time staying on track with school every day, fighting, etc. This morning, Beckham got up early and started on his homework right away! He was so proud and so happy to surprise me! I gave him a huge hug and told him how happy I was, it was so sweet and he was so happy. I told him he is a little ray of sunshine and he really liked that, he kept telling me, "I am your little ray of sunshine!"
Later in the day I was feeling sad. There's supposedly at "pandemic" right now and people are afraid of this virus, to the point of panic. Grocery stores are almost empty, and everyone is supposed to be trying to do social isolation to prevent it from spreading too fast. I'm not sure if all of this is necessary or not, but a lot of things have been cancelled, including BYU graduation and a trip Jeremy was supposed to take with the cohort before graduation, and now CHBOLC might be delayed for an undetermined length of time. In the middle of all this we are selling our house and moving, it's extremely stressful. So, I started crying. Jeremy had to cancel his cap and gown this morning, he was supposed to speak at the Religious Education commencement ceremony because he has the highest GPA, he already had his speech ready. Bridger saw me crying in the kitchen and asked what was wrong, I told him I felt sad and he asked why. I told him a little bit about what was going on and why I was crying. He said, "I have something to make you feel better," with a little grin on his face and jumps behind the wall. I said, "what's that?" He jumps out and gives me a big hug. It was such a pure and heartfelt offering, it literally warmed my heart and helped me feel better, and I told him that it helped. I hugged him so tight and told him I loved him, he told me he loved me too. A few minutes later he ran to the office and then came back with the sweetest, tiny paper heart that he had colored and cut out for me, he handed it to me and I teared up again because of his sweetness. He chose to make that heart for me instead of finish school on time to earn his PBS Kids time, and I told him that. He said, "Because I learned that serving others is serving God. So I sacrificed my PBS Kids time to make you a heart, because serving God is more important than video games." And my mom heart absolutely, completely melted.
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March 2020
I was bawling this afternoon, completely stressed out from selling this house and all the negotiations, along with all the stuff going on with the economy etc. I sat on edge of the bed, just crying and Jeremy was just listening. At one point I even asked what are we doing??? Jeremy started laughing, because we have sacrificed so much already to get to this point, and we both know that we've received strong confirmation that this is what we are supposed to do. So here I am in between laughing at the situation and crying from all the overwhelming feelings. He gave me a huge hug and reminded me to have faith, not fear, and that the Lord has helped us so much to get to this point, and that He is going to continue to help us. We have to trust and leave all of it in His hands. I am so grateful for his strength and comfort, he was made for me and me for him. I felt the Spirit with us, and a blessing I received a couple days ago has really helped both of us, as well. During my scripture study tonight I was reading in 2 Nephi 31and I just really needed to feel some stronger connection to the Lord. I started reading and almost immediately this message came through the verses to me:
"We have come this far because of Christ, because of our faith in Him, relying on Him. Press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and He will continue to help us."I wrote it down, and my eyes teared up again because I felt the Spirit so strong and I have been needing that so much. I am so grateful for personal revelation and for the Savior who has made that possible with the restoration of His true Gospel here on the earth.
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April 4, 2020
Today I turned 30! All day yesterday I kept mentioning how it was my last day being in my 20's, lol. This last ten years is a chapter that I feel is closing as we just had our fifth baby in September, Jeremy is graduating with his Masters in just a few weeks, and we are getting ready to move and go active duty, changing careers. We had five kids (my first at 20 and our fifth at 29), we moved four times, thought we bought a house to raise our family in and then sold it, quit Jeremy's job and went back to school. So, there is a lot of emotion attached to turning 30 today, but I am so grateful that I was able to celebrate it with our family. :)
This morning I woke up to Beckham and Benson on our bed with a plate that had two pieces of toast on it. They were both so happy! Beckham told me he had made me the most amazing honey toast ever, then Benson ran and got a banana, took a bite out of it, and then put it on my plate, LOL. So, even though I had just woken up and my mouth was dry I ate that toast. I shared one piece with Beckham, and he ate it with my on our bed, I took a few bites of the banana Benson gave me and then told him we should put it in my smoothie and he was very happy with that idea. I was so proud of them for trying so hard to make my day special and I wanted to make them feel appreciated for their thoughtfulness. The kids were all SO sweet today, my heart is full. Bridger left me two quarters under my pillow as a surprise, and then then he and Beckham drew a map and took me on a scavenger hunt around the house (it was really creative!) and it led me back to my pillow where I found another two quarters. Beckham also left his very favorite Dino under my pillow. Benson brought me three bananas, each with a bite taken out of them, LOL. They gave me hugs and kisses all day and were SO sweet to me. We celebrated tonight, Jeremy made me homemade alfredo, and Brianna made me carrot cake! We FaceTimed Mom and Dad (they couldn't come up because of the virus and the social distancing we are all supposed to be doing) and everyone sang to me and I opened both my presents. I didn't even expect anything, so to have two was so fun! Mom and Dad sent me some Cariloha workout clothes (which was so thoughtful), and Jeremy bought me a new hairdryer. I feel very loved and I am so grateful to have my family to celebrate with.
Benson: "Be quiet. Because it's your birthday."
Benson: "Let's hide and eat the cake, and then Mommy can find us!"
Bridger: "I love you more than the sunshine, the sunset, and the sunrise."
Benson kissed the palm of my hand, and then kissed my cheek, and then gave me the best hug. I almost cried at his pure sweetness.
We also got to watch General Conference today. It was really beautiful. The kids were all really well behaved (for their young ages, lol). We've made it a tradition to work on a puzzle over conference weekend, so Bridger and Beckham worked on that for a lot of the morning session. Benson and Anderson played with toys, relatively quietly, and Roslyn played, cuddled, and napped. :) We heard beautiful messages and some amazing announcements. The Spirit is strong. We look forward to hearing the announcements and participating in the solemn assembly tomorrow. I am very grateful.
We are getting close to moving, now. We are supposed to close in less than two weeks. Mom and I did the majority of packing the smaller stuff before we listed the house, so I have been working on taking down furniture, wrapping it, and Jeremy has been loading tubs in the POD. It has been really difficult and emotional to try to decide what to sell, and knowing how much to keep and pay POD rent for. We have already sold a LOT of stuff, and it is very emotionally wearing. It is hard enough to keep leaving homes where we have so many memories, but it makes it even harder to have to sell the furniture and not have all of those "tangible" things to take to our next home. I just want to feel that sense of normalcy and stability. It's weird how I feel attached to things. I will probably end up listing a couple more things that I really don't want to sell, but we also don't want to pay so much rent on stuff in storage for 6+ months. Every time I sell something, I touch it and thank it, and then I say a prayer in my heart that I'm doing this for the Lord, that my sacrifices are for Him. And then I do what I need to do. He is here with us, supporting us in this. I am very grateful.
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August 2020
Jeremy has been at CHBOLC for five weeks tomorrow. We decided today that, after weeks of feeling uneasy, active duty Army is not the right choice for our family. Jeremy is calling his unit today and sending an email to the active duty chaplain over our orders to have them cancelled. We are praying that none of them are upset with us.
Jeremy was fine the first couple of days there, but then the next couple weeks were really hard. It was definitely a time of growth for him, as he dealt with some previous issues, him being there alone forced him to really confront all of it and rely on the Lord, and he thought once he had that he would feel better and continue forward. But he continued to have these panic attacks and felt so much anxiety, he would call me really upset, missing us and depressed, with no motivation to be a chaplain. I told him it was probably homesickness and it would pass in a few weeks, sending him articles about how to help it, he even had a couple of zoom sessions with a therapist for anxiety. But it didn't go away. He has continued to tell me that he feels this dread and it comes in waves, and it's terrible. I started to wonder if we had misinterpreted the Spirit all this time and my confidence in my, and our, ability to discern the Lord's will for us has been shaky this last week. These are big decisions, and above all, we want to do the Lord's will and what is best for our family.
There is so much going on in the world, so between my worries about that, reading about the Second Coming, and hearing how unhappy and anxious Jeremy was at this school, I started not sleeping well, and had constant anxiety. I asked my dad for a blessing a couple weeks ago, and it said the answers we were seeking would come...at the time I didn't think I was searching for any answers, I thought we had already received our answers and so I kind of wondered about that part. As the stress and anxiety continued to build, interrupt my sleep, and worry me throughout the day I couldn't tell if it was the adversary just trying to discourage us, or if it was the Spirit trying to tell us we need to do something different. It was the week after that that Jeremy really started to wonder if we needed to pray about him coming home. I didn't want to allow fear to weaken our faith and felt we should continue forward so I suggested that instead we pray about if it was right to continue, and he agreed. We fasted and prayed about continuing forward last Sunday, and we both felt a sense of peace, but then as the week went on, all the anxiety came back. Jeremy had mentioned the Air Force a week or two previously, and I felt that that would be crazy, but all of a sudden, it popped into my mind and I felt like I needed to talk to Jeremy about it. We did that night, and he said he'd had the same thoughts. So, this Sunday, we fasted again, this time asking if it was right for us to switch to the Air Force. We read general conference talks on receiving answers to prayer, prayed, studied, meditated and talked about it all the time. My dad suggested calling his nephew, Christopher, who is over recruiting for the AF, and he gave us good information, we both felt that it was right after we got off the phone. There is no time to wait for me to feel "more" confirmation, so I am having faith that the calm feelings I have felt about it today are my answer and we are going forward with it. Orders for Georgia are supposed to arrive this week sometime, so time is of the essence.
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October 2020
I follow a group on Facebook for hope in signs of the second coming, someone posted a YouTube video of a recording from last week of "An Evening With A General Authority," Elder Bednar spoke, and guess what? He taught, in depth, about personal revelation. I took TWO pages of notes and felt the Spirit teaching me. I want to write some of the quotes and things I learned here, because they mean that much to me. I felt like the questions asked, and his answers, were for me.
- We make it hard on ourselves. There are no certain patterns to receiving inspiration. We don't have to "gear up" to recognize it, it should be there all the time. Live in revelation, there doesn't have to be this certain way to get it.
- As we honor covenants we always have the Holy Ghost.
- Recognize what causes it to leave.
- Not usually big, dramatic, and sudden. The Holy Ghost is still, small, incremental. You don't have to recognize in the moment.
- Nephi's story! He is the perfect example, He went not knowing beforehand the things that he should do. He had to look back on his experience to write it and "I think he's saying that he was absolutely clueless how this was going to work, but he goes. And as he goes he's being guided, but I'm not sure he knows that in every instant." ..."how it happened to him is probably how it should be working for us." ..."I find members of the church who are terrified 'I'm going to make a mistake'. Did Nephi make a mistake the first time when they drew lots? Didn't work out. But boy did he learn a lesson, and his family. Didn't work out when they tried the gold and all their possessions, but they learned a lesson."
- He tried things that didn't work, but he eventually, got it. Don't be so afraid of making a mistake.
- The "when" not always the "what." What to do is usually pretty clear, it's the timing and "when to do" we struggle with.
- Feast upon the word of God to hear His voice.
- We are always in revelation.
- "Nephi didn't mess up! It was a learning experience. Line upon line, precept upon precept. He was being prepared to go back not knowing beforehand the things that he should do."
- "If you are doing your best, you are consecrated, you are devoted, your are not going to mess somebody up. Heaven is in charge of this."
- "You just have to go. And as you do your best you are enlarged, you're magnified, you won't consciously always know, 'oh, this is the right time,' you just do your very best."
- "It all just works out. ...God is not going to leave you hanging out there alone as you are trying to succor, and nurture, and minister to His children. If you do your best, it will work out."
- Trust---let virtue garnish thy thoughts---trust that they (God & the Lord) can get done what they need to get done.
- Revelation is not always linear.
- People have different patterns to revelation. (dreams, etc.)
- "Wait upon the lord. He delivers it we don't demand it. We have to be aware of and responsive to His timing and not our demands about timing."
- Our daily life is not "divorced" from that ongoing influence of the spirit, and thinking it only comes when we "gear up" according to the formula, gets in the way and messes us up.
- Get cheap scriptures and underline "eyes to see and ears to hear." How to do this? Holy Ghost will tutor you individually, personally, what that answer is for you.
- This is the greatest season in the history of the restored church. Greatest opposition and greatest opportunity.
While listening to this I felt so much comfort and peace. I felt that we didn't mess things up, but that this is for our experience and learning, and we have to go forward having faith that He will show us that which we should do. We don't demand revelation, he
delivers it according to
His timing. So that "wait" feeling? We have to trust that, no matter how uncomfortable it is to sit in limbo and not do anything to move forward career-wise. I am so grateful for our prophet and apostles who the Lord has called to lead and guide us, I
really needed this.
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