Looking forward with hope. :)

I have been struggling to stay caught up with my blog, I don't have as much time as I used to, but I still enjoy it so I try to make it happen every once in awhile, it's so important to me to keep a record of our family over the years. I have been undecided about whether to share something pretty personal here, I like to keep things private most of the time, but I decided that I would share this experience here since it has changed our family, and this blog is our family journal and I feel it should be here.

This is the brief version...

Last August we felt strongly that we should start trying for another baby...even though neither of us felt ready, and actually would rather have waited. The feelings persisted, so we took a leap of faith and left it in Heavenly Father's hands. Well, we found out we were pregnant late November, due August 5th, we were happy/terrified of having three kids, but we knew it was His will, so happiness won over. :) We spent about two weeks down South for Christmas before we planned to head to California for a work trip. January 3rd, when I was about 9 weeks, I started spotting and I got nervous. I asked for a blessing and was able to sleep that night, the next day I started spotting heavier and wasn't sure what was going on. My nerves were everywhere and I had a feeling I was going to lose our baby. That night I went to sleep and Beckham woke up in the middle of the night, as soon as I stood up I knew I had miscarried, Jeremy took care of Beckham until I came back to bed, then I just cried. I felt the strongest sense of peace and love I have ever felt in my life and I knew that Heavenly Father needed our baby more than we did right now. I fell asleep finally, Jeremy got up early with the kids so I could sleep and when I woke up I just laid in bed, once again, I felt such a strong peace...and even though my heart felt broken and I was aching because I missed my little one I felt His love and knew that we would have the chance to raise our baby, whether it be in the next life or the Millennium, I don't know, I just know it will happen. I was amazed that all I felt was gratitude to my Heavenly Father and His tender mercies. I am almost positive our little one is a boy, I'm not sure how, I just know. I cry because I think about what he would have looked like and how it would feel to hold him in my arms, and now I have to be patient and love him in my heart and mind.

We had to leave the next day for California, since we were out of town we decided to go to the ER to make sure everything was okay. I had felt that I had lost our baby, but there were still tiny doubts in the back of my mind that maybe something could be done. We were there until midnight and after ultrasounds and blood tests the miscarriage was confirmed. Throughout the entire day and the days after, I expected myself to be an emotional mess...I can't describe it, but I felt my Heavenly Father's love and peace stronger than ever in those following weeks. There were definitely tears, there still are, but there were a lot of heavenly hugs, that's the best way I can explain it. I knew it was His will.

To be honest, I didn't understand how a miscarriage could feel, I had never had one until then. I didn't think much on it, and not much is said about early miscarriage, I think a lot of people don't think it's as big of a deal as a later miscarriage. That moment when you realize the life growing within you, that little one that, somehow, you already love, has returned home is like nothing a mother can describe. I was only nine weeks, part of me kept bringing that fact up, but another part of me shushed that thought when I realized the value and importance of every life, no matter how short or long. I felt that little spirit. So, even though I was only nine weeks, it was life changing and it was hard.

We didn't tell our boys about our pregnancy, we planned to tell them later on, but I want them to know they have another sibling and they will meet him one day. Heavenly Father's love is real, the plan of happiness literally is THE plan of happiness, without it I would have fallen apart. It's amazing to me how an experience like this has helped me draw closer to Heavenly Father, to really lean on Him and have complete trust and faith in His will. I am beyond grateful for His comfort, His peace, and His guidance.

I'm okay now, it's been about three months. I think about this experience everyday, but I now look forward to the time we get to meet our little one, rather than focusing on our loss. I want our children to know and look forward to the day they will meet their sibling. I want them to know that heavy burdens can be made light through faith and trust in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. There is a simple but deeply meaningful line that I believe the Spirit prompts me to remember when I feel anxious or overly stressed, sometimes it's the only thing that will calm my mind, and it came to mind many times over the course of this experience.

"Be still, and know that I am God."

It's something I will continue to work on. :)